Parents Exist

This weekend was parents’ weekend at my college. It was very weird to say the least. I had become very used to being on my own. My mom and stepdad came Friday night, and it was like I had never left. I had a ton of things to tell my mom, but that was nothing new. I’ve always been able to talk to her. Then on Saturday my dad, stepmom, and two step brothers came up to campus. It was so weird because (and this is no secret) I don’t have the best relationship with my dad and stepmom. I have very bad memories of when I was forced to go to their house a lot. I’m not going to go into details, that’s something for a different post, but I swear I was surrounded by eggshells the whole weekend.

My dad and stepmom did everything they could to look like the picture perfect parents, right down to showing up all decked out in clothes that bore my college’s name. They had brought me a bag of snacks and a new shirt. They took me to a park and the five of us walked around and took pictures and talked about nothing. The talk couldn’t have been smaller. I felt like a child from a family portrait come to life. Everything felt so fake and forced. I didn’t know how to react or what to do.

There isn’t much of a point to this post. I’m now realizing that I don’t know what to feel or think about last weekend. All I know is that when I don’t write things down, sometimes they cease to be real. I put plastic and paint over memories to make them look nicer. If I don’t write things down, I doubt myself.

Speaking of writing things down, I’ve never really known what to do with my poetry and stories. I just kept writing and writing them. I think I’d like to compile them into a book. I don’t imagine being published or anything, I think I’d just rather like having them all together. That being said, I wouldn’t be opposed to trying to get such a collection published. I wouldn’t have any clue where to start (if any of you do know, please do share!), but I know that it will never happen if I never try to make it happen. It would be a lot of busy work hunting down all my poems and stories, so it could take a while, but I think it’s worth it. Even if I’m the only one to ever read the thing, I think it would bring me some peace to have all these demons, memories, and fantasies stitched together.

Let me know what you guys think!

-AcuteAnimosity

Adjusted?

I’ve only been through one week of college, and strangely enough it feels like I’ve been here my whole life. It feels like this is just essentially my normal and has been for a while. It’s hard to imagine that walking through the high school halls wasn’t a completely different life. I barely know six people on campus, but it just feels like I’m used to this. Crying over a textbook for the first time feels more like the millionth time. Nothing here feels incredible novel to me. I’m not sure if that means I’m adjusting well or what, but I’m not too concerned.

Anyway, let me update you all. I have three main friends. Jenny, Madison, and Jerry. Jenny, Madison and I are all friends. We see each other a lot, and we regularly go to dinner and events together. We all live in the same building and on the same floor. It’s a pretty good friendship, though I feel like it has an expiration date. We all are interested in clubs, and once those start I think our friendship won’t be as strong due to the increased friend group to choose from. Nevertheless, I’m very happy to have them as friends, and I do hope the friendship doesn’t expire because they are both really nice and fun.

I’m not too sure about Jerry. I met him at a club interest meeting, and ever since he texts me randomly to get food. We go out to eat, and then we both go back to our respective dorm halls. It’s nice to have another person to go out with at the very least.

To be honest, I’ve found that since I’ve come to college I’ve become really close with an online friend of mine. We’ve been friends for almost a year now, but I was never that close to him. Sure, I thought he was funny, and really good at video games, but I honestly thought he didn’t notice me much. I’m not sure how much I’ve told all you guys, but I play a couple of online video games with a group of friends I met on a minecraft server. Originally I was friends with some toxic people, once they screwed me over, I became really good friends with the staff of the server. The admin is a pretty cool dude, and we talk sometimes, but mostly I was really good friends with some mods. What happened was I became good friends with one mod, and he introduced me to his friends. To be honest the original mod I was friends with is a bit annoying sometimes. He’s a great guy, and we were super close for a time, but now I suddenly became really close to one of the people he introduced me to. I’ll call this person Danny. Danny is the funny guy I thought paid no attention to me. Lately we talk a lot, and it’s really nice. I know I’ll probably never meet him in real life, but he’s a great friend to have. He’s helped me not lose my mind a few times since I’ve come to college even though he doesn’t know that. I don’t know. We talk basically every day. It’s been a pretty important friendship to me because he was friends with me before I went to college, and he’s still my friend now that I’m in college. Because I had divorced parents there weren’t a lot of constant people in my life. My dad would date new women, and just as I became friends with their kids, he’d end the relationship. Every other weekend I was shuffled off to my dad’s house, and I couldn’t really rely on him. I went to so many different dance schools, theater companies, sports teams, and such as a kid that I never had permanent friends. I just lost almost all my high school friends but the fact that he’s still around, it’s so nice. Unfortunately it could also screw me over because he’s an online friend with no attachment to me, so he could just disappear some day. That probably would hurt like a lot. Nevertheless, for now we can be weird and say stupid things and just play video games. It’s nice, and it makes me happy.

Alrighty, this is making me sad at this point so here’s some good news. The meeting I met Jerry at was for Musical Theater Club. You had to try out for that club, and after trying out, I made it in! I’m so excited for the first official meeting. Every semester they put on a show comprised of different musical numbers from various musicals. I can’t wait to be invested in a musical community again. I think it will be healthy for me, and I’ll make new friends.

This was a huge post haha. I’m done for now, I really do need to get on top of writing a new poem though. I haven’t written anything new in the longest time. Until next time

-AcuteAnimosity