When it Happens to You

When it happens to you

You start walking in slow motion

You realize that every passerby

Has a life

Has a story

Has adversity and happiness and dreams

And everything that

Somehow you’ve forgotten

You have too

When it happens to you

You become singled out

In the crowd

The invisible one

Whose presence is

Noticed but not felt

When it happens to you

You remember that

It happens to everyone

Your shoulders bend under the

Weight of feeling sorry for yourself

When you have no right to be

Every tear before now

Was a wolf cry

Every day you couldn’t

Force yourself out of bed

Was a lie

Only now you can’t

Let others know

How you struggle to find

The stamina to be human

Each and every moment

When it happens to you

It locks you behind bars

It cuffs you to a wall

You take a step forward

With everyone else

Only to not truly be moving

It makes you wish

You knew how to pray

And believe someone was listening

When it happens to you

You will drown

Over and over

Until you learn to swim

You will shy away from hot coals

Until you learn to not feel them

Any longer

When it happens to you

You will learn to swim

You will learn to not feel

And then you will teach yourself

To climb out of the pool

To let the emotions in

Without crushing yourself

When it happens to you

You will survive

Until you can live again

 

-AcuteAnimosity

Advertisements

Secondary

Secondary

Pressure builds in my head

Filling my mind up

Until it bursts

But I’ll never give it that chance

I will force it to fizzle

Out bit by bit

A war between those who

Wish to see me expload

And my own will to stay in control

Keep waiting and watching me

I will never let this stalemate cease

It’s not about winning anymore

It’s about shuffling my feet

Alongside every other android

Just existing for the purpose

Of making the quota

This many is enough

Non-playable characters in

Someone else’s game

Only here to be here

 

I’m not entirely sure why I wrote this. I’ve been feeling weird lately. Enjoy!

-AcuteAnimosity

Honesty

I need to fess up something; I’m really happy right now. This happens to me a lot to be honest. I get really happy, but it feels wrong. Being happy had never felt right to me. As soon as I’m happy I feel like everything will come crashing down. I’m ahead on all my classwork, I genuinely like all of my professors, all of my classes are interesting, I live with my five best friends, oh yeah and I have the most amazing boyfriend ever.

I guess that’s the biggest thing I haven’t told you guys. Remember my post “Attached”? Well it turns out that the online boy I was becoming attached to, was becoming attached to me too. Of course how could an online couple work? Somehow the world smiled on me, this whole time he’s been a student at a university 15 minutes away from where I live. So he lives in a neighboring state to me about four hours away, but goes to school really close to where I grew up. All summer he lived 15 minutes away from my house, and even though I was at a sleep away camp, I came home every day off to see him. After a few times of seeing him, he kissed me, and after that he asked me to be his girlfriend, that’s how that came to be. He loves and respects me and he has been incredibly understanding of my messed up past. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. He isn’t like my summer fling last year where I came to college and suddenly don’t like him anymore. He’s four hours away and I want to talk to him every day, and I’m counting the days until my fall break so I can see him. I don’t want to go crazy writing about him because that isn’t the point of this post, and I have a poem in progress for him. But yeah, I’m happy mostly because of him.

Why is this a problem? I kind of said it earlier, I feel like the rug will be swept out from under my feet. It always happens. Suddenly my happiness corrodes, and I’m left in crisis. I’m afraid of that. Usually I end up being the one to destroy my own happiness because I’m so afraid of it becoming destroyed. Ironic, right? I’m doing my best not to do that right now. I want to be happy. I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to believe that I deserve happiness, but I selfishly want it. Now that I have it, I don’t want to let it go even if I don’t deserve it. Anyway, that’s how things are for me right now. I’m doing really well. Oh yeah, I guess my boyfriend needs a code name so he can be added to my list of people. Evan, I’m in love with Evan.

-AcuteAnimosity ❤

 

Consumption

Consumption

Carve her sides out with a spoon

And taste all she has to offer

Fill up on her sweetness

Until you become sick

Lick your plate clean of her

Devour her very being

Until there’s nothing left

Except bones and hair

Only then will you realize

It was more than her

Body that kept you coming

For seconds, but then

It’ll be too late

Then she’ll realize she’s

Meant for more than consumption

 

 

This is a poem I’ve had in my drafts for a couple months. I had it started, but didn’t know how to finish it. I think I could have gone further with the imagery before I went to the “meant for more” gush, but I like that it’s short. I think it’s better for people like me with short attention spans! I want to get right to the point. Anyway, I’m doing really really great. I think that my life update needs to be separate from this update so I will post that later on. Thanks for reading!

-AcuteAnimosity

Summer Camp!

Here are the answers I was hoping to get. I hope you enjoy!

  • Color wars: Didn’t happen?  We had a spirit competition between 4 “villages” which each had their own color. They competed to see who was most spirited.
  • Food: Actually really good, I ate well and healthy
  • Breaks: I got a break once a week. I would leave before at lunch and then come back the next day at lunch making 24 hours.
  • CPR training: Pretty boring, I’m good at it though, and it was easy to learn. I also became a lifeguard which was a little harder but we had in-service trainings throughout the whole summer which helped.
  • Other counselors/ co-workers: It’s a mix really. Some people have a big mask they put on as a counselor and are actually awful and some people are genuine.
  • Being an introverted counselor: Oh I so wore myself out. The breaks really helped though. I would drive for hours just to be alone. I survived.
  • Cabins: I slept surrounded by ten 12 year olds. That’s all I need to say here.
  • Activities: So many. I was the rock wall instructor (surprise, I am a belayer and can run a rockwall, high ropes course, and zip line which I think is bad ass). In addition we played games like Spy Hunters, Capture the Flag, Gold Rush, and lots of others. We had the archery, fishing, kayaking, canoeing, mountain biking, outdoor cooking, target sports, arts and crafts, dance, drama, movie makers, and stand up paddleboarding. In all honesty, rock wall was the coolest group of kids though. Rock wall family forever, tow team strong.
  • Learning how to teach said activities: Well my boss found out that I had rock wall experience and he sent me to a training to get certified in all the stuff I knew and so I stayed at the rock wall a lot. I occasionally lifeguarded kayaking and other water activities though.
  • Water sports: Kid suck at kayaking and I’m not patient. I would say just paddle and they would say that they didn’t know how. It was frustrating and I often towed kids back to shore.
  • Fire: Lots of fire. I can start a fire with wet wood in the wind at this point. So many lighters at camp too.
  • Being outside every single day: Not bad, I actually really miss being that active. I got pretty tan too.
  • Health: I literally lost 15 pounds in ten weeks. I have never in my life been so in shape. I’m not obese or anything, I just had some sweet jelly rolls, but not anymore. I’m still curvy and I guess one who is in with the slang might say “thick” but I feel really good about myself is the bottom line here. I am physically fitter than I ever have been. I’m stronger, I have better endurance, and I like being active now. I’ve actually started running in the morning because I miss all the activity.
  • Campers: Some of the campers I literally love and I genuinely miss. There are some campers that I will never forget because they were amazing. There are plenty of campers I will never forget because they made my life an actual, living hell.
  • Being a counselor: Not only was I a counselor, I was the cool counselor. It really boosted my confidence that campers really liked me a lot. Kids would cry and hug me because I had to leave. They also told me that I better come back next year, and I even convinced a few older campers (who were like 17) to be counselors next year because they thought I was awesome.
  • Drama: So much, too much to talk about. So many counselors hooking up and getting drunk and high and hating each other and cheating and just crazy stuff here. Like it was a great camp with great people, but so much entertaining drama. I lived for it, especially because none of it was about me!

 

So that was camp. If you have any questions please comment! I’d love to talk about it way more. Also if you ever need a wacky ice breaker or a repeat after me song, I only know 30 million. I am a repeat after me song and ice breaker master at this point. I have a black belt in being a camp counselor. I was good at my job, kids loved me and I got stuff done right the first time. I was even given a special shirt and recognition in front of the whole camp because I was good. It made me want to die all the time, but I really did love being a counselor.

 

-AcuteAnimosity

Attached

I remember this time last summer I thought I was in love with someone. Maybe it’s that I love Grease and have always wanted a summer love, but lately I’ve been spending my days letting guys down easily. I’ve had four guy friends tell me they want to be more than friends since I’ve come home from college. I was honestly shocked by each confession, and I let each guy know that I’m not looking for anything right now, especially because I’m going to work at a summer camp. However, one boy is starting to get under my skin.

I have been hopelessly crushing on a boy I met online for years. We would play online games for hours and hours together, and we’d flirt and laugh, and talk, and just be there for one another. Unfortunately I think he’s grown bored of me. I don’t think he’d wait for me to finish college to be together, and I don’t even think he thinks of me the same way I think of him. I wish he did, but to him I was just someone to pass the time. At the end of the day he’s far away from me, and it was just a crush. I only have memories now.

Nevertheless, my pathetic self is getting attached to a new online boy. It’s nothing romantic right now, but I just find myself wanting to talk to him all day long and getting disappointed when he is busy or doesn’t hold the conversation. I fear that I’m trying to make him into the online guy I was crushing on for so long, but he’s his own person. I have been trying to distance myself, but every night I message him and ask if he wants to play League of Legends or some other game. It’s sad, but I am like this. I get attached to people way too fast, and they get bored of me even faster.

Luckily I am leaving for camp soon, so I plan to annoy the crap outta him every day until I leave. Once I’m gone, I predict he’ll forget all about me honestly. Then I will be going back to college and won’t be so lonely because I’ll be back with my friends. So I’m going to let myself be as annoying and attached as I want to be until I leave for camp, and then it’s quitting cold turkey. I think it’ll all be okay, I shouldn’t be worried about this, I should be focusing on camp. Oh well.

Speaking of camp, let’s talk about that. It’s been awhile since I told you all my plan to write everything about camp, that plan is still in effect. Well I think that’s all for today.

-AcuteAnimosity

A Letter to the Girl who Writes Letters

Dear Girl Who Writes Letters,

For each demon you’ve written a letter. There’s one addressed to your father, to your first love, to your college roommate, even to yourself, but girl, who’s reading them? Certainly not your father who couldn’t be bothered to fully read his birthday card, or your college roommate who didn’t remember your name when you lived with her. Your first love doesn’t care, and neither does you. You write these letters without reading them. You melt bits of your heart to pour into this poetry and prose mixture, not because it’s healing you or because the people you write for read them. No, you write these, not for yourself, but for the girl who reads letters, or so you say. You say it’s so she doesn’t feel alone. You say it’s because she can’t write the words herself, but you’re lying.

Because girl who writes letters, I know what these letters do. These letters take you by the hand and twirl you ’round and ’round in the middle of the dance floor. With each like you feel a new puzzle piece connecting into your jigsaw soul. With each share you feel loved. These letters are for your shattered ego. Your self-esteem loves when you feed its flames by gaining new followers, and if your self-esteem is happy then so are you. Every girl who reads your letter is a fix. The rush of appreciation gets you high, and when you’re up there, beyond the clouds, you find your worth. I know that you’ve never felt worth much, or at least until your letter became the words of thousands of girls who read letters’ words too. Once you put the paragraphs into the mouths of thousands, you felt a new sense of self. You could be the voice of a generation of girls who read letters. You could be the voice you never had, but girl who writes letters, no one ever asked you to be the voice.

Girls who read letters are tired of each letter you publish, they are tired of having their pain be your ladder. Girls who read letters want you to know that you need to find your own way back above the clouds because they are tired of holding you up there on their broken backs. So here is a letter for you, it’s your turn to be the girl who reads letters.

Dear Girl Who Writes Letters

It’s time to put the pen down until you find your own voice. Stop speaking for others and take ownership of what you have to say. Write genuinely for your own self without pretending it’s for someone else. Be sincere, be selfish, be your own voice.

Sincerely,

Another Girl Who Needed Stopped Writing Letters