Well someone asked about my boy drama, so here it goes. I’ll admit I’ve been avoiding it for a while. So I’m going to talk about the last three guys that I’ve “dated.” I put quotes around it because one was never official and one was really too short for it to be noteworthy. I’m going to go in reverse order and start with the guy I was just with (Evan/ the online guy), then the one before that (I think I referred to him as poem guy), then finally Lewis (if you recognize Lewis, you’ve been around since the way beginning or you’ve done some considerable reading of my blog, and I’m impressed).
Evan and I “dated” for a few months. Considering I dated Lewis for three years I find it hard to really consider Evan and I fully dating even though we had made it official. So I met him online (League of Legends), by some miracle he ended up only being 15 minutes away, and we met. During the summer I would get one 24 hour break a week from work, and I always went to see him. It didn’t take long for us to think we were in love. When we both started the new semester, I learned a lot I didn’t know about him. He was an engineering major at a fancy private school for technology, and I interpreted that as him being a very hard worker. I was so very wrong. He did nothing but complain about his school work, he skipped class all the time, and he was doing poorly in all of his classes. I just couldn’t see eye to eye with him on all of that. Hard working to me doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re doing very well in all your classes and you’re an engineering major. I just mean someone who works hard and gives everything they do all they’ve got. It doesn’t even mean being in college, it just means always doing your best. I was sick of hearing him complain, giving him advice and encouragement, and then him not taking the advice and just doing poorly because he was lazy. On top of that I am probably the most independent person on the planet. I do my best to do everything on my own. Because I’m so strong, I attract dependent people who think that I will be able to take care of them and myself. I was sick of being his mother. I was more mature than he was. That doesn’t mean that he isn’t a great person who is kind and funny and sweet, but it does mean that we were drastically incompatible. He was incapable of giving me space, and I was incapable of giving him the constant attention that he needed. I don’t regret our time together, but to be honest if I could go back in time, I would not have dated him. We were good for a time, it was all good fun, but it had an expiration date.
Time for poem guy, and can I just say I have not thought about this kid for a while. We had a summer fling, but really the same thing that happened with Evan happened with him. He didn’t complain or anything, and he was a very hard worker which is why it was really really great for a while. Nevertheless, he was a project person. He wanted me to fix him, and I thought I could for a while. He’d tell me I was helping him with his (undiagnosed) depression which made me feel good. It just came to the point that he was leaning on me way too much. He needed constant attention and reassurance, and I needed space. I’m starting to sound like I’, afraid of commitment, but really I am just highly introverted. I like to be alone, and I don’t always need to be hugging, cuddling, and kissing. I am the opposite of clingy, but somehow I attract clingy people. So it just didn’t work out, and we were never official anyway.
Where do I start with Lewis? We started dating late freshman year of highschool, and we dated for three years. Lewis was the ultimate project person. He also claimed to be depressed and told me that I was helping him to be happy again. However, he was a lot more dangerous. Lewis was manipulative. He guilted me all the time. If we hadn’t hung out together outside of school for a few days, he would accuse me of all sorts of things. He didn’t like that I had online friends, he got jealous of my best girl friend, and he drove away every other friend of mine until my only friends were his friends (except my best girl friend who I’ve never talked about on this blog, but I really should because she is one of the best people in my life). I thought he loved me, but really he just loved having me. I thought about breaking up with him so many times, but he said over and over again that he would kill himself if I left him. He would often tell me that if I didn’t do something that he wanted me to do he would cut himself, and he really did cut himself when I upset him. He has a scar on his left wrist that is wide and purple and will never ever go away. He cut himself down to his bone, and then he sent me the pictures. I started just doing what he asked of me. If he would cut himself so deeply, he might actually kill himself if I left. That was my thought process anyway. Before our senior prom, it became too much for me. I couldn’t handle his mood swings, his attachment to me, or his manipulation anymore. I made sure that one of our friends would be there for him to convince him not to commit suicide if he had really meant those threats. With encouragement from my best friend, I broke up with him finally. I never told anyone why though. I told everyone, including him, that he was a great person and I didn’t regret our time together. I said that I was just unhappy, and I didn’t want to have a long distance boyfriend in college. Because of that I looked like a monster, and all of our friends sided with him. I was the villain who broke his heart. It was lonely at first because I only had one friend, but I’ve always been independent. I was also going to go to college soon and make all new friends, so that helped me get through it. However, in the months that followed our break up, all of our mutual friends who had begun to hate me, saw the real him for themselves. Without me to manipulate and lean on, he had turned on them for everything I used to provide him. They all came back to me and apologized. They couldn’t believe that I had stayed with him so long and didn’t trash his name afterward. These days I don’t think about him much. His mom still messages me on Facebook to tell me she misses me, and that he was such a better person with me. In her mind, we will get back together someday. That will never happen. This isn’t everything, I obviously couldn’t fit three years into one post, and there were happy moments too. However, I do regret that relationship. I wish I had been single in high school honestly.
That’s my boy dilemmas. It doesn’t seem like a happy story, but what I’ve learned from all this is that I’m strong. I have survived 100% of my worst days, and I consider that a good track record and a victory. I hope you all have had better relationships than me. Feel free to ask my advice on relationship stuff, I have had a lot of experience. Thank you guys for listening. Have a great holiday season.