Roommate

You called me, out of anyone that you could’ve called, why me? After all, you hate me. You’ve done nothing but ignore me and shut me out for months. Nevertheless, when you were at the end of your rope, it was my number that you called. I dropped everything. I drove you to the emergency room so you could admit yourself. I even drove back when you needed a ride home. I joked in the car and did anything to make you feel less uncomfortable. I sang along to every Hits One song, smiling the whole way despite the feelings I held back.

This morning you tried to act like the past three months hadn’t happened. You tried to pretend that we were fine, best friends again. You and I both know that nothing has changed. We both know that you will lash out at me again as soon as you come down from this high. We both know that I will let you. Only I know that you haunt my dreams, and I haven’t gotten any rest from sleeping since the day you decided I was your enemy. Nothing has changed, I would still drive you to the hospital any day. Nothing has changed, you will still never be my friend again.

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Gray

I’m in a bit of a slump I guess. I’ve been really sick lately, and so that’s made it hard to do much. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to hang out with my friends much because they are always going places, and being so sick, I’ve tried to stay home and rest. I’ve been pretty lonely due to that. They all stay out very late and have a lot of fun, but I’ve had to be left behind. So here’s the sad story. I’ve started posting on Reddit looking for friends. Pretty pathetic right? At least I have people to talk to now. I just want someone that I can really talk to. I am too afraid to really talk about anything with my friends because I don’t want them thinking of me differently. I’ve never really spoken openly with anyone because people either start pitying me or they just don’t care. I’ve always been the person that anyone can talk to. People tell me anything and everything, and I’m always there listening and giving advice if they’d like. Everyone vents to me and depends on me, but then no one asks how I am. It’s partly my own fault, even if someone did ask how I was, I wouldn’t tell them the truth. I have to be the strongest person. I can’t afford to break like other people. Reddit may be a great place for finding people, but I haven’t found anyone  that I can really talk to. I don’t even need someone who’ll listen to my issues and care, I just want someone interesting. I want someone that I can talk to every day, and they won’t get bored of me. I want someone who actually can hold a conversation. I have yet to meet anyone my whole life who is capable of holding a conversation for an extended period of time. Maybe I’m asking for too much. Oh well. I’m feeling gray is all. I just need to get out of this slump. It’s almost Thanksgiving! I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, and that you eat a lot of yummy food. I also hope that you don’t have any fatally awkward conversations over the dinner table. Remember what you’re thankful for, and have a great day!

-AcuteAnimosity

Rose Petals

I’ve spent the morning

Sweeping white and red rose petals

Across the floor

Blood and water

Swirling together but

Refusing to mix

Little droplets of wine and cellophane

Dancing around one another

And singing sugary

Perfume titles

Chanel, Clive Christian, Baccarat, Shalini

As if roses cost fortunes

Only to end up in

My dust pan

A collection of riches

For the trash

 

I literally wrote this because I had to sweep up rose petals one morning. That morning was during my senior year of high school, so I figured it was time to lay this one to rest now that I’m a sophomore in college. I really like some of the imagery of this poem, but I didn’t know quite where to take it, so I took it to the trash can just like I did to those petals. I’ve truly come full circle here. I really liked the idea of naming really expensive perfumes for some reason when I started this, which I now think is a bit dumb, but I loved it so much back then that I decided to keep it. This is a bit of a nonsense poem, but that’s okay. Nothing is ever perfect, this just happens to be far from perfect. Well, that’s one of the endless poems I have in my drafts done. I might revisit some of the ideas here one day for another poem, but for now this one is done.

-AcuteAnimosity

 

 

Salem

Yesterday morning my mom tagged herself on Facebook as being in Salem MA. Not only was she in Salem, she was also at a brewery in Salem. I had no idea she had planned to go to Salem, but I was happy that she was taking time for herself. Then she texts me to say that I need to go to Salem for my birthday next year because my birthday will be the Saturday before Halloween, and also she’s booking the hotel for my birthday next year right now. She gets really happy and nice when she drinks. She’s always happy and nice, but the alcohol amplifies that quality in her. She just wants to hug you, compliment you, and do nice things for you when she’s drunk. I’m not complaining. Anyway, she told me that not only was she in Salem, she was in Salem with her hairdresser who is a Wiccan High Priestess. Seriously, I’m not making this up; I’m not creative enough to be making this up. Anyway, I kept asking why she was in Salem, and she kept saying that I need to come to Salem. I never did find out why she randomly went to Salem, but she did check in at the Salem Witch Trial Memorial. She also bought a dress that looks like a Ouija board, but she called it a “Wigi” board. My mom is adorable. I don’t think that she’s Wiccan, but she is definitely the type of person who “doesn’t believe that healing crystals or incense work,” but still has them just in case they do work. Maybe she is converting to a Pagan religion. My family is pretty interesting and weirder things have happened. Maybe around this time next October I’ll be in Salem MA at a brewery because my mom needs a designated driver. Maybe I’ll be in rehearsal around this time next October. Who knows? I’ll probably be in rehearsal, but that’s okay because I love rehearsal. I don’t know where I was going with this at all. I just started this whole post with the intention of highlighting how odd and amazing my mom is. I was given an amazing mom in order to make up for the rest of my family!

I need to keep working on the poetry I have in my drafts. I have 6 poems just sitting and collecting dust. I think I need to scrap a few because they are just awful, but some may be redeemable. I also have a single short story in the works, but it isn’t as good as some of my old stories. Yes, this is the story I’ve been saying that I’ve been working on for literally a year. It’s probably never going to be publish-ready. I guess I need a new story idea! The other artsy part of me has been neglected lately too. I haven’t done any real singing in months. I miss belting at the top of my lungs and not having to worry about five suitemates who may get annoyed with me singing. I mean I could just sing and annoy everyone, but that would just make my living arrangement worse. Not that I hate living with these five people or anything, it’s actually just my roommate that I have issues with. She has crippling depression and takes it out on me. She actually takes it out on three of us in the suite, but I’m the only one who seems bothered by it. I think it’s because I literally can’t escape her. I’m not the type of person who just lets people take out all their issues on me anymore. I learned my lesson there. However, if I stick up for myself, I could cause serious issues in my suite. Not only that, but my roommate could go back into a depressive state like she did last time we upset her. She didn’t get out of bed for four days until we finally begged her to forgive us. Woah! Guess who just realized that this post is very off topic. The answer is me! Anyway, what was I talking about? My mom is the best, I need to finish my poems, I need a new short story idea. Alright, that’s all for now.

-AcuteAnimosity

PS I am really excited for Halloween, I got my costume today! I am a genius because I’m going as The Cat’s Pajamas. Basically, I get to wear comfy pj pants while everyone else suffers in their sexy nurse costumes. Happy almost Halloween!

Night Terrors

Do you ever have those dreams that are incredibly realistic? I get them way too often. My poor roommate is always complaining about how I talk in my sleep. My roommate last year had to deal with me when I was having a ton of these dreams, and I would start throwing things in my sleep. I don’t really care that she had to deal with that though, she put me through enough that I’ll call us even. Anyway, last night I dreamt about something that has actually happened to me. I dreamt about the last time I donated blood. So a while back I posted about how if at all possible you should donate blood. A lot of people are “afraid of needles” and “can’t” donate blood, which I think is pretty much bs for a lot of people. Needles suck, I understand that, but if  you can be uncomfortable for 20 minutes, then you could save lives. When you donate money or time, you often don’t see the full effect of your volunteerism. However, when you donate blood, you know that that blood will save a life. It’s a tangible product of your volunteerism.

If you plan to donate blood someday, but are a little nervous, do not read this next paragraph!

Okay, so I faint when I donate blood. That’s a fact of my life. I still donate though because I don’t care that I faint if it means helping someone. But the last time I donated blood, I didn’t just faint. My entire body went into shock. It was so serious that if the nurse hadn’t gotten me back in control of my body, she was about to call an ambulance. That would’ve been embarrassing. The fainting is my own fault. I get really anxious around needles and also blood is being taken out of my body so I get woozy. Going into shock was absolutely not my fault! The blood drive was overfull. There were too many donors and not enough nurses. My nurse set me up with the needle in me and then went away to set up someone else. When you donate blood they give you a stress ball to squeeze so that the blood flows quicker. The nurse next to my station told me that my blood bag and extra 6 vials were full and that I should stop squeezing. I stopped and assumed that someone would come take out the needle. I was wrong. It took about 15 minutes before my nurse came back and took out the needle. In the meantime, every other nurse would tell me to stop squeezing because I was done, but no one took out the stupid needle! In order to take out the needle, the nurse first cuts the tube that the blood went into. When the nurse finally cut mine, I felt an extreme pain in my arm. It turns out the the needle kept trying to suck out my blood and it created a vacuum seal to my vein. Once the needle is out, you’re supposed to hold your arm vertically in the air, but my arm barely moved. The nurse raised my arm for me, and suddenly I felt like my fingers had gone to sleep. They tingled. The nurse asked if I was okay, and I said that my hands were asleep. I mean, that’s what I tried to say, but it came out all slurred. She asked me to squeeze her hand, but my body wouldn’t listen to what I was telling it to do. I was completely limp. My nurse started freaking out, which made me freak out more. She started lifting my legs and moving them in circles. This is something nurses always tell me to do while I’m passing out. She told me to cough like a smoker (another method to keep yourself from fainting). Finally I was able to gain motion in my toes, then my legs, then slowly my whole body. Meanwhile about three nurses had stopped what they were doing so they could be backup if needed. Anyway, moral of the story, I dreamt about that last night. Only the nurse was saying things she didn’t actually say, and she was a man in my dream. Other than that, it was a reenactment of that moment. I woke up feeling a little paralyzed, which is good because I probably would’ve been screaming if I didn’t feel paralyzed. I used to scream in my sleep when I was little.

So if you read that and are now scared to donate blood, I told you not to read it! I’m still going to donate blood even though I nearly went to the hospital because of it. Don’t be selfish, you’ve got enough blood in you. If you legitimately can’t donate blood because of height or weight restrictions or anything else, you’re off the hook. I can’t donate double red because I don’t weigh 160 and I’m not 5’5. I wish I could do double red though. But if you’re just “afraid of needles,” then suck it up! Save a life today!

-AcuteAnimosity

Unicycle

I want a unicycle. My mom thinks I’ll die in a tragic unicycle accident, which is unlikely, but also not a bad way to go. I’ve been really busy with Circus Club lately, which is good and bad. It’s good because it gives me something to do other than stare out the window and play League of Legends. However, it’s bad because the Circus Club president is incredibly unorganized. She has all these great ideas, but she doesn’t have the time to go through with them. When she doesn’t have the time, the responsibility goes to me. You would think that the VP would have to pick up the slack, but she’s also way too busy. That leaves me, the secretary, to make Circus Club great. For example, I started a Circus Club Instagram because our social media coordinator is too busy. I also have been to every volunteering opportunity that we’ve signed up for, and it’s getting to be a lot of time and effort. I finally said that I couldn’t do our next event which is a talent show performance. Honestly good luck to the people who are going to perform because I’ve choreographed the past three performances that we’ve done. Not only did I choreograph them, but I chose the songs which is a lot harder than you’d think especially when everyone hates your ideas but doesn’t give any better ideas.

Anyway, that’s enough whining about that for me today. What was I writing about? Unicycles! I want a unicycle. I may be a bit of an adrenaline junky, better than a drug junkie I guess. I think after being a rock wall/zipline instructor and a lifeguard this summer, I miss being adventurous. My mom may worry about me unicycling, but she really can’t complain about anything I do. I am the black sheep of the family so to speak. I am the first to go to college, and unlike my brother, I made it to 18 without going to jail. I’ve also managed to not get pregnant unlike my cousin who lived with my mom and I for a few years. It’s a lot of pressure being the only hope of your family. That’s probably why I really like adrenaline, it’s a way to let go. If a unicycle is what gets me through college, then so be it!

That’s basically all that’s been on my mind lately. I’m a simple gal. I mean, maybe not all that’s been on my mind, but that’s mostly it. I guess I’m just in a rut. That’s why I need a unicycle! I need to ride a unicycle out of the slump that I’m in. The solution that will fix all my issues in life is a unicycle. I better start saving. That’s all I’ve got for now.

-AcuteAnimosity

When it Happens to You

When it happens to you

You start walking in slow motion

You realize that every passerby

Has a life

Has a story

Has adversity and happiness and dreams

And everything that

Somehow you’ve forgotten

You have too

When it happens to you

You become singled out

In the crowd

The invisible one

Whose presence is

Noticed but not felt

When it happens to you

You remember that

It happens to everyone

Your shoulders bend under the

Weight of feeling sorry for yourself

When you have no right to be

Every tear before now

Was a wolf cry

Every day you couldn’t

Force yourself out of bed

Was a lie

Only now you can’t

Let others know

How you struggle to find

The stamina to be human

Each and every moment

When it happens to you

It locks you behind bars

It cuffs you to a wall

You take a step forward

With everyone else

Only to not truly be moving

It makes you wish

You knew how to pray

And believe someone was listening

When it happens to you

You will drown

Over and over

Until you learn to swim

You will shy away from hot coals

Until you learn to not feel them

Any longer

When it happens to you

You will learn to swim

You will learn to not feel

And then you will teach yourself

To climb out of the pool

To let the emotions in

Without crushing yourself

When it happens to you

You will survive

Until you can live again

 

-AcuteAnimosity