I don’t like being happy, but I can’t help it. Happiness has always felt so fake to me. Like it’s just a curtain waiting to drop at any moment. The weirdest thing though, is that I have so much happiness and love to give to people, but I don’t like receiving any back. I’ve been told a hundred times over that I deserve to be happy and loved, but I can’t find a reason to be loved. Don’t get me wrong, this post isn’t me waving a white flag and confessing my depression. I’m not depressed, I just don’t like feeling too happy. It makes me nervous, and I’ve been told that I can’t think like that, but I can’t really help thinking like that. If I were to be quite honest, my happiest moments in life are almost all followed by the worst moments in my life. It’s nothing that I’m here to gripe about, it’s just that being too happy feels false to me. It feels like a set up. So I do anything I can to make others happy. I guess if I feel like I am using my joy to give a bit of comfort and happiness to others, I’ve at least used my fake happiness to do some good while I had it.
I can’t stress enough that I’m not depressed. I just don’t feel comfortable being too happy. I like feeling a bit neutral if I’m honest. I will always fake happiness however. I do that so others will be affected by my happiness and be happy too. A bit of social learning. Which is weird. I like to be faking my happiness more than I like having real happiness. People call me too nice or noble or kind, people call me lots of things for this, but really I’m none of those things. I’m just a person. I don’t try to act better than anyone else, I just live my life how I’ve always done so.
Recently I learned something cool in psychology. You’ve heard of narcissists, but did you know there are co narcissists? Co narcissists have next to no self confidence. They blame themselves for everything thing that happens. They constantly try to please everyone around them, but would feel too guilty to accept anything in return. When a co narcissist and a narcissist become friends or are somehow paired up, it is a really toxic relationship. The co narcissist gives the narcissist all the attention and admiration they desire, while the narcissist puts down the co narcissist like they feel they deserve. That may actually seem like a pretty good deal, each party gets what they want. However, what each party wants isn’t good. Since learning about this, all my friends call me a co narcissist. Maybe they are right. I don’t think it’s such a bad thing to be. I really like making everyone else happy. It’s what I enjoy doing.
Co narcissist or not, I try to make others happy for nothing in return. That’s how I feel it should work. People should want other people to feel good, not because it would benefit themselves, but because it’s just a good thing to want. Seeing other people happy, is just a really nice thing to see. That’s just how I feel about it though.
-AcuteAnimosity
AcuteAnimosity 