Boyfriends

Well someone asked about my boy drama, so here it goes. I’ll admit I’ve been avoiding it for a while. So I’m going to talk about the last three guys that I’ve “dated.” I put quotes around it because one was never official and one was really too short for it to be noteworthy. I’m going to go in reverse order and start with the guy I was just with (Evan/ the online guy), then the one before that (I think I referred to him as poem guy), then finally Lewis (if you recognize Lewis, you’ve been around since the way beginning or you’ve done some considerable reading of my blog, and I’m impressed).

Evan and I “dated” for a few months. Considering I dated Lewis for three years I find it hard to really consider Evan and I fully dating even though we had made it official. So I met him online (League of Legends), by some miracle he ended up only being 15 minutes away, and we met. During the summer I would get one 24 hour break a week from work, and I always went to see him. It didn’t take long for us to think we were in love. When we both started the new semester, I learned a lot I didn’t know about him. He was an engineering major at a fancy private school for technology, and I interpreted that as him being a very hard worker. I was so very wrong. He did nothing but complain about his school work, he skipped class all the time, and he was doing poorly in all of his classes. I just couldn’t see eye to eye with him on all of that. Hard working to me doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re doing very well in all your classes and you’re an engineering major. I just mean someone who works hard and gives everything they do all they’ve got. It doesn’t even mean being in college, it just means always doing your best. I was sick of hearing him complain, giving him advice and encouragement, and then him not taking the advice and just doing poorly because he was lazy. On top of that I am probably the most independent person on the planet. I do my best to do everything on my own. Because I’m so strong, I attract dependent people who think that I will be able to take care of them and myself. I was sick of being his mother. I was more mature than he was. That doesn’t mean that he isn’t a great person who is kind and funny and sweet, but it does mean that we were drastically incompatible. He was incapable of giving me space, and I was incapable of giving him the constant attention that he needed. I don’t regret our time together, but to be honest if I could go back in time, I would not have dated him. We were good for a time, it was all good fun, but it had an expiration date.

Time for poem guy, and can I just say I have not thought about this kid for a while. We had a summer fling, but really the same thing that happened with Evan happened with him. He didn’t complain or anything, and he was a very hard worker which is why it was really really great for a while. Nevertheless, he was a project person. He wanted me to fix him, and I thought I could for a while. He’d tell me I was helping him with his (undiagnosed) depression which made me feel good. It just came to the point that he was leaning on me way too much. He needed constant attention and reassurance, and I needed space. I’m starting to sound like I’, afraid of commitment, but really I am just highly introverted. I like to be alone, and I don’t always need to be hugging, cuddling, and kissing. I am the opposite of clingy, but somehow I attract clingy people. So it just didn’t work out, and we were never official anyway.

Where do I start with Lewis? We started dating late freshman year of highschool, and we dated for three years. Lewis was the ultimate project person. He also claimed to be depressed and told me that I was helping him to be happy again. However, he was a lot more dangerous. Lewis was manipulative. He guilted me all the time. If we hadn’t hung out together outside of school for a few days, he would accuse me of all sorts of things. He didn’t like that I had online friends, he got jealous of my best girl friend, and he drove away every other friend of mine until my only friends were his friends (except my best girl friend who I’ve never talked about on this blog, but I really should because she is one of the best people in my life). I thought he loved me, but really he just loved having me. I thought about breaking up with him so many times, but he said over and over again that he would kill himself if I left him. He would often tell me that if I didn’t do something that he wanted me to do he would cut himself, and he really did cut himself when I upset him. He has a scar on his left wrist that is wide and purple and will never ever go away. He cut himself down to his bone, and then he sent me the pictures. I started just doing what he asked of me. If he would cut himself so deeply, he might actually kill himself if I left. That was my thought process anyway. Before our senior prom, it became too much for me. I couldn’t handle his mood swings, his attachment to me, or his manipulation anymore. I made sure that one of our friends would be there for him to convince him not to commit suicide if he had really meant those threats. With encouragement from my best friend, I broke up with him finally. I never told anyone why though. I told everyone, including him, that he was a great person and I didn’t regret our time together. I said that I was just unhappy, and I didn’t want to have a long distance boyfriend in college. Because of that I looked like a monster, and all of our friends sided with him. I was the villain who broke his heart. It was lonely at first because I only had one friend, but I’ve always been independent. I was also going to go to college soon and make all new friends, so that helped me get through it. However, in the months that followed our break up, all of our mutual friends who had begun to hate me, saw the real him for themselves. Without me to manipulate and lean on, he had turned on them for everything I used to provide him. They all came back to me and apologized. They couldn’t believe that I had stayed with him so long and didn’t trash his name afterward. These days I don’t think about him much. His mom still messages me on Facebook to tell me she misses me, and that he was such a better person with me. In her mind, we will get back together someday. That will never happen. This isn’t everything, I obviously couldn’t fit three years into one post, and there were happy moments too. However, I do regret that relationship. I wish I had been single in high school honestly.

That’s my boy dilemmas. It doesn’t seem like a happy story, but what I’ve learned from all this is that I’m strong. I have survived 100% of my worst days, and I consider that a good track record and a victory. I hope you all have had better relationships than me. Feel free to ask my advice on relationship stuff, I have had a lot of experience. Thank you guys for listening. Have a great holiday season.

-AcuteAnimosity

Secondary Characters

I’ve always felt this way, but lately it’s been a really present feeling. I feel like a secondary character in life. I’m the one meant to help give advice to the main character. I’m the one who helps the main character find out their purpose. The one who says “It’s not my destiny to do this, it’s yours.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I don’t mind it because that’s all I ever want to do in life is help people. This is a strong feeling for me lately in my love life. I’ve realized that I don’t think I’m meant to find “the one.” I’m not supposed to have a partner for life, what I’m supposed to do is show people who pick the wrong relationships, how they are should be treated. It’s happened to me so many times. I will start crushing on someone, they will like me back, and we will start a little romance thing. However, soon enough the fire dies down, and the person thanks me for being a positive force in their life. They tell me I’ve shown them what love should be like, but they just don’t love me anymore. I become a supportive friend who has made a difference in how they view themselves and their relationships. I’m never “the one.” Yeah yeah yeah, “but you’re too young to find the one, you have your whole life ahead of you.” Before you go comment that, this is just my own feeling. Maybe I will find my forever partner (most likely it will be a cat), and maybe this feeling I have is wrong. I can’t tell the future. I can only listen to my heart which is telling me that I was never meant to have “the one.” I could be wrong, but if I am right, I don’t think I mind.

What lead me to this conclusion, is that yesterday poem guy (I haven’t written about him in a long long long time) and I sort of broke up. We were never dating, but we loved each other and acted like a couple. It was just too hard to keep up a long distance relationship, and we were just too different. He would do so many of my pet peeves. For instance, he was a volunteer firefighter and he would text me something like

Him:”Sorry I took so long to respond , had a fire call”

Me: What happened is everyone okay?

Him: Signal 20

Me: Signal 20?

Him: Yeah

Me: What does that mean?

Him: Hold everything on scene

Me: Okay, what does it mean to hold everything on scene?

Him: Hold everything on scene

Me: Um okay then

I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate when I do my best to show an actual interest in people’s lives and they just blow me off. Like, is it so hard to say that hold everything on scene means that you are on the scene and have your firetrucks there and are investigating, but it doesn’t seem like there’s a fire? There may be a fire, but you have to investigate and check everything before you declare it a false alarm. I found that out from another volunteer firefighter by the way because poem guy never bothered to explain. When people do that it makes me feel dumb, it also makes it seems like you don’t care that I want to know about your interests. He would do that all the time about fire calls, about him fixing up cars, about everything. He would say he loves how I’m interested in his hobbies, but then he would just assume I should know everything and refuse to explain. There were other pet peeves, but that’s the only one I feel like explaining.

So, the thing here is that once again, he told me all the time that I showed him what relationships should be like. He would tell me that I showed he how to be treated right. Now, with any hope, his next relationship won’t be a messy one. Ours wasn’t messy at all, we ended it in a mutual agreement, but it’s over. I’m a secondary character. I play a vital role, but I’m not the one to achieve anything great. It’s why I want to be a teacher. I want to help as many people as I can live up to their full potential. Some people are meant to be doctors, volunteers, policemen, and incredible things. Some people are meant to help those people reach the greatness they were meant for. I’m the latter, and that’s okay with me.

-AcuteAnimosity

College Confessions

Okay guys, I think this is important, especially for any people who are planning on attending a college in the near future. I want to tell you all about college, the good, the bad, the magical, the ugly. Here goes

• There is so much yummy, junky food (pizza!), eat a vegetable now and then so you don’t feel sick.
• You might not be best friends with your roommate, it’s okay, you’ll make other friends. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible, you can still be nice with your roommate though.
• There are going to be so many attractive people, try not to drool. Also, you are one of those attractive people! DOn’t beat yourself up if you don’t look like every other pretty girl/guy there.
• There’s a club for literally everything. Do not try to join all of them. Join one or maybe two clubs first semester and work from there.
• For goodness sakes, be comfortable walking alone. You can’t be surrounded by people 24/7. Walk to class alone, put in earbuds, and just enjoy how pretty campus is. It isn’t healthy to never ever be alone.
• Don’t barricade yourself in your room! (I’m struggling with this one) Go out with friends. Go to the silly school events now and again. You might have a great time, you might meet your best friend. You won’t do that just sitting alone in your room.
• Every free second is good for reading. Always carry a school book with you because you might end up early for something, get that homework done!
• The first friend you make, might not be your best friend forever. That’s okay!
• It might take you a while to find your people. It happens, but you will find them.
• Don’t party excessively. Take it easy.
• When you first get to college, it can feel like your high school friends don’t care anymore. They do, I promise! They are going through the same thing as you right now, believe me, come vacation time, you guys will reconnect.
• It can feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to the first few weeks. Something might happen, like a death in the family, or something else not good. It feels like you can’t really talk to your friends yet because you haven’t known them long enough. Give your mom or dad or someone home a call if you need to talk and can’t. Also, RAs will talk to you! They are there to help you and be your friend.
• Make. Your. Bed. Everyday. You will feel so much better after a long stressful day if you come home to a neat looking room. A messy room after a bad day will only make you feel worse.
• Cool it with the caffeine. You actually do need some sleep now and then.
• Don’t feel bad for dressing nicely everyday. If that is what makes you confident, then wear that dress! Also, don’t feel bad if you go to class in your pjs, no one actually cares. If anything, they wish they were in their pjs too.
• Everyone wears shirts and pants and sweatshirts and everything with their college name on it. Trust me, you won’t look like a dork.
• Bring a stuffed animal and/or body pillow. Just do it, it will come in handy some day when you need a good hug and cry.
• Everyone cries, everyone.
• Don’t feel bad when people have to ask you your name, major, and where you’re from a million times. It’s easy to forget. You’ll end up asking it too.
• Fundecided is okay! College is the time to figure out what you want to do and who you want to be.
• Talk! To! Your! Advisor!
• Not everyone is having sex or hooking up with a lot of people, you don’t have to. Also, it’s okay to have sex or hook up with people (with consent)! Do what makes you happy and what you are ready for.
• It’s okay to not be a party person, seriously, you don’t have to drink or smoke or do anything you don’t want to do.
• There are so many resources available for you. If, God forbid, something happens to you, get help. Future you will thank you for it. ❤
• Ask questions, be curious, try something new, be a little bit selfish, be a bit weird and crazy. This is your time to do things for you!
• Lastly, have fun! Not every moment will be perfect so don’t expect that, but make the most of this time. I’m not going to say these will be the best years of your life, because frankly that’s so stupid, but I will say that you can have an amazing college experience. Life, and college, is what you make of it. Choose to make it beautiful.

-AcuteAnimosity

Don’t Say the S Word

That’s right, it’s almost school time. SHOOT I SAID THE S WORD. Needless to say I am not entirely ecstatic to go back to you know where. I am excited to learn new things, see my friends everyday, and to have a place to go to everyday rather than just being lazy, however I am not excited for a few things. For instance, the people that I hate and who hate me. Well hate is a strong word, I only hate three people. Nevertheless, there are quite a few people who I dislike and who hate me. Those people I don’t have to see all summer, so it’s great, I don’t even have to worry about them. When I’m at that place though? I have to worry about them everyday. Especially if I have classes with any of them. I am also a library intern, so a lot of people who hate me happen to go to the library, but I love the library, it’s my niche in that place (well the library and the chorus room) so I’d never let those jerks scare me out of the library. Lastly, I’m a senior next year. It’s my last year of high school. I have yet to write a college essay, get any recommendations, or pick a favorite college. Yeah, I have a few colleges that I like, but no one that is just completely perfect and is my top college. However, I don’t want to talk about college today. I am here to talk about the S word. Mainly those people that I don’t like. There’s Marissa, a girl who I was once best friends with, George, who once started a petition to kick me out of band class because he didn’t want to see me anymore, and Mark, a kid who used to harass me. There are others who are jerks to me, but I am choosing to talk about these three because they are all very different from one another, which allows me to talk about three diferent kinds of bullies. First off, Marrisa, this  bully I like to call the “Ex-Friend Bully” for obvious reasons. We met in sixth grade, and became friends when I started dating one of her friends. I know I know, sixth grade relationships are dumb and stuff, but this is just what happened. I dated her  friend John, and he introduced me to Marissa. When John asked for nudes and I said no, he dumped me (honestly good riddance). However, I stayed friends with Marissa because I really had no other friends. I was an outcast. Marissa became abusive. She would actually hit me. So I stopped being her friend, that’s when I found out that she had been dating John since before John broke up with me. Only, I was stupid enough to become friends with her again once she broke up with John. Of course we had another falling out, then I became friends with her again. This cycle happened every year until ninth grade when I finally told her I was done. I never spoke to her again. I avoid her, but I’m never mean to her. I never snoop to her level of telling lies, spreading rumors, and playing the victim. She continues to spin stories about how I was so mean to her, while I just pretend she doesn’t exist. That is my advice for you all about this type of bully. You need to delete their phone number, stop talking to them,, and stop thinking about them. You’re better off without them, and no matter what do not stoop to their level. Secondly, George, George is what I like to call the “Popular Bully.” He’s the kid who bullies other kids to make popular kids laugh and to be a popular kid. We both played percussion in the band from 5th to 8th grade. Every day he would find some way to make fun of me. He would mock my twitch (back then I had a twitch), he would throw drum sticks at me, he would make dumb jokes about me, and of course there was the petition he made in sixth grade (by the way he never once was punished for any of the things he did to me or anyone else despite the fact he’s been bullying kids since 5th grade and I used to tell teachers all the time, and people say the school system isn’t corrupt). This bully is the one that you also have to just get out of your life. Unfortunately I quit band after 8th grade in order to get him out of my life. I hated having to do that because I loved band, but no one would help me, so I quit band and avoided him like the plague. He is a person who is in the library a lot, and he always tries to make fun of me or do something stupid to me. I check out his book and ignore everything he says. Eventually he goes away. It’s sad but this is the only way to deal with him because teachers love him, and he has a ton of friends backing him up. It’s awful, but at least it gets him to go away. So for this bully, ignore them, walk away, and try to avoid them if you can. However, don’t quit band to avoid them like I did, you shouldn’t have to give up something you love just because of a stupid jerk. There were actually six percussionists in my middle school, and all five other percussionists bullied me everyday. I quit not just because George, but because of all of them. Lastly, Mark, who I like to all the “Sexual Bully.” It’s a bit of a blunt name, but it fits well. He would stare at my butt, look down my shirt, comment on my modest clothes saying that I was a prude and should show some skin. This lasted half a year in tenth grade until right before Christmas break he made the mistake of trying to grab my ass. Well Lewis (who I was still dating at the time) Smacked his hand away. That’s when Mark pushed Lewis, Lewis then punched Mark and well a fight. It lasted about a minute before a gym coach broke it up. Both boys were brought to the principal’s office, and Lewis told the principal what had been happening and what Mark was about to do before the fight, but the principal never brought me in to hear what I had to say and he suspended both boys for 5 days. He didn’t give a crap about the harassment that had been going on for months or about how Lewis was protecting me. Sad. After that I told the teacher of the class I had with Mark and Lewis what had been happening and she moved me across the room from Mark and right next to Lewis. Three months later Mark was expelled for fighting again. So for this bully, tell a teacher. Yes the principal didn’t listen to Lewis, but that’s probably because I never said anything, and after fighting, Lewis didn’t seem to be a credible source of information. Still, they should have investigated. Anyway, it is best to tell a trusted teacher that this is going on rather than trying to tough it out like I did. Okay, this is a long long post, but it was needed. I want all of you to know that I truly want to help others even if it means I have to talk about things that are hard for me to talk about. Okay, so just incase I ever need to talk about these bullies again, they will be on my Friend List page, even though they are not friends! As always, leave a comment if there’s anything you want advice or help with or even if you just want someone to talk to, I’ll talk to you 🙂 Alrighty, this is all for this post. I will try to post at least once more before the S Word starts. Love you all!

-AcuteAnimosity