*Warning* Long Rant Ahead

Before I say anything let me say that I love my cousin Nyomi so much. She was my best childhood friend, and we spent every summer together. My cousin taught me a lot in life. She taught me which music was the best for 4am, she taught me how to move my window screen so I could climb on the roof and watch the sunrise, and she taught me to love reading. I have so many songs that I will always know every word to because we sat there and sang them on repeat together for hours. Some of my best memories as a kid are with her. Not to mention she understands me so well. We both have sickening anxiety, and so we can comfort one another.

While we both understand each other extremely well, we are 100% complete opposites. Nyomi is crazy smart, but she never tried in school. She failed grades because she just never did any home or class work. She prefered to drink and smoke. She lived with my family for 2 years (after being kicked out of her own house), and I hid her drinking and smoking and having boys over for her. She made me walk around the whole house with a febreeze can after she smoked so I could get rid of the smell. I got a ladder so her boyfriend could sneak out her bedroom window. Well 3 years ago she got pregnant. My gosh I love this little girl. Amanda is a beautiful little girl. She’s smart, she has such a personality, and she loves me so much. Whenever I babysit her, she is literally attached to me. She wants to do everything with me. When it’s nap time she lays down and watches Bubble Guppies. I put her in bed and she looks up at me and says “Watch tv with me please. Lay down with me please.” When I say I have to leave she says “5 more minutes, please stay, please.” It breaks my heart and I end up staying an hour later than I plan to.

She wants me to stay because her mom doesn’t. Nyomi doesn’t have custody of Amanda. My aunt and uncle have Amanda. The baby daddy? He went to jail a month before her 2nd birthday. He was released just in time to be in jail again by her 3rd. Nyomi? She’s living with some new boyfriend in a different town. Basically, Amanda’s whole family is one, big mess. She just turned 3 about 2 weeks ago.

Today I found out Nyomi is pregnant again.

She’s due in the end of March. My aunt and uncle always said that if Nyomi got pregnant again, they would not take care of the baby. One grandchild under their care is enough. No way in hell is Nyomi going to be able to take care of this kid. This new little baby isn’t even born yet and he or she is going to have a broken family, an extremely poor home (Nyomi is a hostess, she doesn’t make much and all she has is a  GED), and no shot of stay with his or her mother. This kid is going to be in foster care. Nyomi refuses to have an abortion or consider adoption. She thinks that since she couldn’t have Amanda, something is different with this baby. She thinks she can keep this baby. Somehow she thinks this baby will make everything better. Everyone else just feels sick to their stomachs.

I can’t stand that this little baby is going to be born into this situation. There isn’t anything at all I can do. I’m 17 and about to go to college. I can’t convince Nyomi not to have a kid. I can’t raise this kid. I can’t even give Nyomi money because I need college money and because she’d use it for drugs. There’s nothing I can do except feel upset. I still love my cousin, but I hate what she’s doing. I just pray that somehow everything works out. Don’t be surprised if I end up writing a rather angry and upset poem soon haha.

-AcuteAnimosity

How to Sculpt a Girl

Start with a glass smile

Because girls, like all people

Love to smile, and

Because eventually she’ll

Learn to make a mirror

Out of her mouth

So she can reflect

What others wish to see

Next weave her some hair

Any color, it doesn’t matter

She will end up dying it

Anyway Red when she needs

An escape, Blue when she’s in love

And Black when she wants to

Slip into the background

Of a life she never dreamed of

You’ll need to pluck

Two peach pits for eyes

Use over ripe ones

So the sweetness runs

In rivers when she cries

Paint on pupils that

Will be trained to look into

The pupils of a lover

With hope as green

As the buds of spring

Pushing up toward the sun

Shape her hips with

The picture of rolling hills

As reference, give her

The body of a hurricane

To house the heart of a

Gentle breeze beneath a

Dove’s wing, give her

Cheekbones higher than

Everest, legs as long as

The open road reaching for

The edge of the world,

And eyelashes as dainty as

A ballerina’s bones

Dust her skin with

Snowflakes and ice

So she will be a beautiful

Wall between the things

She says, the things she does,

And the things that never

Escape her mind

Let her spine curve slightly

So slightly that no one sees

She naturally gazes

Down at the floor

Wishing it would sink

Down into the earth

And carry her with it

Wrap your girl in

Cellophane tightly

So she is transparent

And waxen, this is not

So you will through her

She is ashen to give

Her the first canvas

To caress with color

To touch other

Faces with her brush

Once she’s perfected her art

Build your girl as placid

As you choose but know

She will turn around

And carve wings out

Of you, she will use

Her frail hands to

Dig out the strength

You kept from her,

She will leave you

You may have branded yourself

On her but she will soar away

Without a second thought

Because you assembled her shell

But she crafted her spirit

She made herself out of the

Hollow crucible you left her

Sculpt your girl to your desire

Just know you’ve set free a force

That no one can restrain

Here’s something a bit different. Just so you all know, I do have 3 drafts of new poems in the works, I just haven’t been able to get the words out. Just this poem took a couple of weeks. I’m glad to get something new out for you guys. I hope you enjoy it! I can definitely see myself performing this one, if only I had a place to share poetry haha. Until next time,

-AcuteAnimosity