Happy

I don’t like being happy, but I can’t help it. Happiness has always felt so fake to me. Like it’s just a curtain waiting to drop at any moment. The weirdest thing though, is that I have so much happiness and love to give to people, but I don’t like receiving any back. I’ve been told a hundred times over that I deserve to be happy and loved, but I can’t find a reason to be loved. Don’t get me wrong, this post isn’t me waving a white flag and confessing my depression. I’m not depressed, I just don’t like feeling too happy. It makes me nervous, and I’ve been told that I can’t think like that, but I can’t really help thinking like that. If I were to be quite honest, my happiest moments in life are almost all followed by the worst moments in my life. It’s nothing that I’m here to gripe about, it’s just that being too happy feels false to me. It feels like a set up. So I do anything I can to make others happy. I guess if I feel like I am using my joy to give a bit of comfort and happiness to others, I’ve at least used my fake happiness to do some good while I had it.

I can’t stress enough that I’m not depressed. I just don’t feel comfortable being too happy. I like feeling a bit neutral if I’m honest. I will always fake happiness however. I do that so others will be affected by my happiness and be happy too. A bit of social learning. Which is weird. I like to be faking my happiness more than I like having real happiness. People call me too nice or noble or kind, people call me lots of things for this, but really I’m none of those things. I’m just a person. I don’t try to act better than anyone else, I just live my life how I’ve always done so.

Recently I learned something cool in psychology. You’ve heard of narcissists, but did you know there are co narcissists? Co narcissists have next to no self confidence. They blame themselves for everything thing that happens. They constantly try to please everyone around them, but would feel too guilty to accept anything in return. When a co narcissist and a narcissist become friends or are somehow paired up, it is a really toxic relationship. The co narcissist gives the narcissist all the attention and admiration they desire, while the narcissist puts down the co narcissist like they feel they deserve. That may actually seem like a pretty good deal, each party gets what they want. However, what each party wants isn’t good. Since learning about this, all my friends call me a co narcissist. Maybe they are right. I don’t think it’s such a bad thing to be. I really like making everyone else happy. It’s what I enjoy doing.

Co narcissist or not, I try to make others happy for nothing in return. That’s how I feel it should work. People should want other people to feel good, not because it would benefit themselves, but because it’s just a good thing to want. Seeing other people happy, is just a really nice thing to see. That’s just how I feel about it though.

-AcuteAnimosity

Acupuncture

Acupuncture

Needles prick my squishy skin

They delve deep, weaving their spindles

Into my bone marrow

Softly they sigh as each

Pin settles in my body

It’s a snug fit that leaves no space

For any pathogens to enter

I’m wrapped in my sharp shirt

Arms hugging one another

Hello old friend

My muscles flex against the lustrous

Jacket, it’s just a bit too tight

But it keeps me chilled

I’m waiting on ice to stay fresh

For the guests who are hungry

Not to dissatisfy, I compress myself further

I am a marble

Transparent and blue inside

 My form-fitting acupuncture outfit

Makes me quite the

centerpiece for the party

Blind only to myself

The needles in my lens’ are

Unforgiving, but I’ve seen sight before

I’d rather be unseeing

Then I can plead ignorance on the stand

The bleached granite pedestal

I am placed up carefully

So as not to move the syringes

Aesthetically positioned in my complexion

The needles are plucked out one by one

Or peeled out all at once

So that the effects either fade

Or vanish, acupuncture

Why do I keep turning to you?

You’ve only ever left me gaping

And leaking, losing I’m losing

Lost, I’ve lost, past

Present, the tense makes no difference

Acupuncture, you fill me for a second

You reassure me of my doubts

And you give me new ones to

Overthink about, then you

Take your therapy and move on

To the next patient, who doesn’t need

Your sweet sting

But the rose on your thorn

Is your accidental catalyst

In creation, in creation, in creation

I get it, back, forth, back, forth

Better, bye, no

Wait, kiss me goodnight?

OKAY, so I put this at the end because I wanted you all to read this without knowing what it was about. I wanted you to be able to relate to this poem in your own way. I never once say what it is about in the poem, I tried to be very vague, so that you could have every opportunity to see what these words make you think of. However, I will tell you. I wrote this during an anxiety attack, and it’s a description of what my anxiety attacks feel like. I don’t want to say much more, because I don’t want you to lose your meaning of this poem, and because poetry is just a code, decipher it if you really want to know everything. Anyway! This was super hard to write, and I am still calming down from my anxiety attack, so I am going to leave. However, I would love to hear how you interpreted this poem so leave me a comment on your interpretation and thoughts!

-AcuteAnimosity

Winging It!

Okay, so I decided that it was time for a new update, but I haven’t planned this out at all whatsoever. I’m winging it! Let’s see, mostly my life is MineCraft right now. I know, how cool am I? Well, there’s a server I love, and I am on it almost everyday because it is just so fun! When there isn’t drama that is. There’s plenty of that because it’s a bunch of random internet people, so that happens. Wow, this update sucks huh? I should stick to just posting poetry! However, I am not feeling very creative right now, so no live poeming this time, sorry. Ugh! Why is this so hard right now? I have a boring life, that’s why. Okay, I will leave for now, but I will return with a plan next time okay? Bye for now!

-AcuteAnimosity

Making up for Neglect

Yes, it’s true, I’ve neglected this blog. I’m not so great on keeping up to date. Anyway! I am going to try to make up for that in this post. Firstly, I used my last post as my college essay! (I revised it of course, that post was barely a rough draft) Also, I am going to try live poeming. For those of you who don’t know what that is (which is all of you because I’ve made it up), that’s when I write a new poem, on the spot, and post it without editing or revising! It’s an awfully scary thing to do since most of my poems aren’t shared with anyone until I’ve done at least a few weeks of revision. So here goes nothing and everything.

But That’s not a Promise

If you’re anything like me

You come up with your comebacks

A second too late

We all would like to

Turn back the clock

Just to get in that last word

To stick up for yourself

To get a laugh out of your friends

But what if you could go back

Only once? Where

Would you go with your

One come back fix?

I know exactly where I would go

I would waltz back to

That wrong time I said it

Three, awfully, terribly cliche words

At the end of that folly phrase

I would add my perfect comeback

I love you, but that’s not a promise

But that’s not a promise

I do love you, but my love

Isn’t a promise of a future

Filled with ease

I can’t promise you that

I won’t shrink away from

Your touch one day

Or that I won’t say goodbye for the

Last time, one day

So please don’t interpret my

Words as my vow

To never make mistakes with

This fragile compassion we share

I’m too clumsy to be able to tell you

That I won’t shatter you some day

You’d think after I’ve cracked in the

Past, I would offer you protection

From the same fate, but

I’m only a girl

A girl who is sometimes

Too busy trying to fix

Everyone and thing to

Realize the harm she is

Inflicting on those

Brave enough to love her back

I would go back in a

Moments notice if I could only

Make it clear that,

Promises were never my intention

I never meant to give you

The belief that I’d stay in

Love forever. I’m too flighty

For a love that lasts a lifetime

I’m sorry that I can’t go back

To tell you everything

That went unsaid in between the

Spaces of I Love You

I never intended to have to

Write this poem

But it was necessary

Because I thought of

That comeback just a

Second too late for

It to matter

You had already accepted

My imaginary promise

Next time I will try to remember

That small disclaimer

But that’s not a promise.

 

 

Okay so my closing of this post is going to be rather short (because I don’t want to be tempted to go revise), but sorry it’s so depressing guys! It was meant to be a bit comical, but I think I veered off that track after just a few lines! Anyway, hope you enjoy. Oh yeah, and Happy (almost) New Year too.

-AcuteAnimosity